While sitting here in 'my' Bondi beach appartment in Sydney, I realize I am a bit lost, have been for the last couple of days. I'm not sure what triggered it, maybe the fact that this trip is ending (too soon) and that I wish I could stay longer. Perhaps it's the city, that doesn't really feel like home to me - even though I am crazy about big cities. It's like I can't properly breathe here. Quite the contrary of when I was in the outback and there was so much space to breathe and be. It's funny how sometimes you have to put the obvious where it belongs. Outback means space - literally. City means not so spacy - literally. It's funny how sometimes certain things work, and sometimes they don't, how sometimes the environment itself is exactly what you need, and sometimes it's not.
To be honest, Australia has been quite the trip. So much to see and do, I haven't really stood still since I got here. I've felt so at home here and I've felt so lost here. I can't make up my mind of what I think of it.
Yet, it's not the city that is restless, it's me who is not at ease. It's me who can't sleep because I am pondering too much. Why is it that people can't sleep? Is it worry, excitement, anxiousness, too many thoughts? What is that thing that always keeps us up at night? And how do we beat it? How are we not lost anymore? Because at this point, I don't know. Where I am headed, what's next, what I want. And not knowing is starting to scare me a bit. The only thing I know I want is that I want it all. And of course, something will fall from the sky; an answer, a new dream, a plan. I know that. A door never closes without a new window being opened. Just right now, I can't see it yet. So today, I am lost in a world of English and paperwork, dreams, hopes and fears that have nothing to do with the amazing trip I am having. But even when you almost perfectly speak a language, have travel experience and really wanted to come to a place, it's still possible to get every bit as lost in translation. Translation between my heart and my head, myself and the world, everything I want and everything I need, between every dream and every possibility, between infinity and indefinitely, between every choice that I can make, between home and - what do I still call home actually? Lost in all the languages in the world that do not -yet- provide me any answers about my future. Lost until I'm able to translate.