While sitting here in 'my' Bondi beach appartment in Sydney, I realize I am a bit lost, have been for the last couple of days. I'm not sure what triggered it, maybe the fact that this trip is ending (too soon) and that I wish I could stay longer. Perhaps it's the city, that doesn't really feel like home to me - even though I am crazy about big cities. It's like I can't properly breathe here. Quite the contrary of when I was in the outback and there was so much space to breathe and be. It's funny how sometimes you have to put the obvious where it belongs. Outback means space - literally. City means not so spacy - literally. It's funny how sometimes certain things work, and sometimes they don't, how sometimes the environment itself is exactly what you need, and sometimes it's not.
To be honest, Australia has been quite the trip. So much to see and do, I haven't really stood still since I got here. I've felt so at home here and I've felt so lost here. I can't make up my mind of what I think of it.
Yet, it's not the city that is restless, it's me who is not at ease. It's me who can't sleep because I am pondering too much. Why is it that people can't sleep? Is it worry, excitement, anxiousness, too many thoughts? What is that thing that always keeps us up at night? And how do we beat it? How are we not lost anymore? Because at this point, I don't know. Where I am headed, what's next, what I want. And not knowing is starting to scare me a bit. The only thing I know I want is that I want it all. And of course, something will fall from the sky; an answer, a new dream, a plan. I know that. A door never closes without a new window being opened. Just right now, I can't see it yet. So today, I am lost in a world of English and paperwork, dreams, hopes and fears that have nothing to do with the amazing trip I am having. But even when you almost perfectly speak a language, have travel experience and really wanted to come to a place, it's still possible to get every bit as lost in translation. Translation between my heart and my head, myself and the world, everything I want and everything I need, between every dream and every possibility, between infinity and indefinitely, between every choice that I can make, between home and - what do I still call home actually? Lost in all the languages in the world that do not -yet- provide me any answers about my future. Lost until I'm able to translate.
I had quite a similar feeling at times while I was travelling Australia this year; your post really spoke to me.
ReplyDeleteI read a quote the other day that said "Not all those that wonder are lost." I can't think of a better way to describe most travellers. We appreciate every experience we have, learn from those around us and are often willing to give up the sense of security to experience and explore. I think that it's perfectly normal for this to get a little overwhelming at times. After all, we're only human. We are not doing what is the norm and outside influences can really start to pose questions and make you think about the purpose of your travels or plans for the future.
Sometimes, for me, it helps to realize that at this moment, maybe it isn't necessary to answer these questions. Maybe we don't need to always be accomplishing a goal or planning for the future.. we just have to be; appreciating those little things that make us happy day to day. Take a breather, enjoy the little things about the city (and Australia) that you love, and in my experience, the clarity comes to you when you least expect it.
thank you for reading and sharing. And yes, you're absolutely right :)
ReplyDeleteLeuke foto en veel mooie teksten op je blog... Blij dat ik hem ontdekt heb! ;)
ReplyDeletex Hannah
http://theadventurouslifestylelab.blogspot.be/